Why do we do this and how can we stop?

These memories can be from the distant past or maybe even last week. But the common factor is that they upset us and make us feel bad.

Only One Good Reason to Focus on Bad Memories

Usually focusing on the past is a waste of time and hurtful. But there can be an important reason to take the time to think about what and why certain things happened.

What are some reasons that it make sense to focus on past situations that make us angry, sad, helpless, guilty or whatever bad feeling you get?

Protect Yourself From Now On

The only reason to do this – and even this reason will be short-lived – is in order to learn the lesson we need to learn so we never have this happen again.

So it’s okay to think about it from the standpoint of “never again will this happen to me!” and then actually making a strategy to protect yourself.

Now only memorize the strategy and the empowered feeling you get when you are helping yourself and putting your best interest as a top priority.

Example: Whenever (insert name here) starts putting me down I will quickly hang up the phone or leave the room. I will use my feelings to judge when to do this. Anytime I feel BAD I will activate this strategy.

Note: Using our feelings as warning systems works well around passive-aggressive type people. They are so skilled at hiding attacks behind a “nice” image that you must rely on your feelings to protect yourself.

So now you have a protective strategy. But what if you start running the same old bad feeling – bad place tape through your head again and again. What will you do?

You will have a strategy for this too!

Pick a New Tape to Run

The best thing I know to do when old tapes insist on filling our head with thoughts that are not helpful is this: replace them with memories or thoughts that make us feel good.

But sometimes we feel like NOTHING feels good and it seems like there are NO good replacements. What to do then?

Look around and find the littlest thing you like – even a bit. For example, I love the beautiful blue color of the sheets on my bed and also the color in a quilt I have. Just looking at it makes me happier. I know it’s a small thing but it gets me in a slightly better mood.

Feeling Better Now

From this better feeling place I can easily think of something else I feel happy about – like my cozy new socks or my cuddly little dog.

Now I’m feeling like I’m sort of lucky to have these things. In other words, I’m starting to feel much better and stronger.

Other ideas: looking at nature is always good and it’s always available too.

It’s a good idea to make a list of things you like when you’re feeling good already. Only list things that make you feel 100% good. Make sure there is no hint of feelings of envy, self-pity, jealousy or any other negative feeling.

Be sure that most of these good things on your list are simple pleasures. Remember – the small and simple things often bring us great joy.

Now when the bad times come you will have your “good things list” ready to help you. You are taking care of yourself ahead of time.

The idea is to start very small and look for just one tiny thing we like. As we start small we can move into a place of greater joy where all the bad memories of the past are exposed as traps and snares leading to our downfall.

The Most Important Lesson of All

Realizing this, we learn that the most important lesson of all is to stay away from these bad and useless memories. They don’t serve our best interests at all.

Remember this: no matter what anyone else tells you or what has happened in the past – you have the power to choose what you think about and focus on today. Always choose the thing that makes you feel better, more strong and powerful.

Practice this every minute of the day. It gets easier the more you do it and the wonderful thing is this: your life will be filled with more of what you’re thinking about now – happiness and joy.

Many women take wonderful care of their families and think nothing of sacrificing to pamper others. But when it come to ourselves we often never get around to the same nice treatment.

So much of our life is spent working or managing day to day responsibilities. Often the technology in our life means that we are always plugged into more information about things to do or things happening in the world that are distressing.

Take Care of Your Body

We even abuse ourselves by working too long, not relaxing, sitting at the computer for too many hours. Eventually we start to feel the pain of all of this abuse.

We aren’t happy anymore and it’s confusing because we seem to be doing so much.

The reason is this: we long to be cared for – but we wait for someone else to care for us.

It’s time to stop that kind of thinking and realize that we can give ourselves all the pampering we need and want.

The first step to pampering is to take care of your body.

Feel Good Ideas

Here are some ideas to get you started:

A soothing bath

Splurge on a pedicure

A relaxing massage

A good novel in bed

Enjoy a favorite treat

Walk barefoot in soft green grass

Take a nap in the sunshine

Go out at night and look at the stars

Do What Feels Best to You

Everyone has unique ideas about what is the best way to pamper yourself. The important thing is to add your favorites into your schedule every week.

It only takes a few minutes to do these body-friendly activities. So get started today and watch your happiness increase as you treat yourself with the love and respect you deserve.

Related posts:

1. Stop Letting Bad Memories Ruin Your Life

When it comes to stress, you’re far from powerless—there are a number of positive habits and behaviors you can use to effectively manage your mental state and bring your stress under control.
The first thing to remember is that your mental state is your responsibility.

The simple truth is you can’t control how your boss acts. You can’t control what your partner says. You can’t control the driver who cuts you off in traffic. But you can control yourself.

Others will do what they do, but how you respond to them—whether you take it in stride or freak out—is your decision alone.

Take a moment to consider how you have been responding to the stressors in your life. Almost everyone has some habit they turn to when life gets rough—what’s yours?

Do you reach for a cigarette or alcoholic beverage? Do you take your stress out on others? Do you overeat? Though they might provide short term relief, these behaviors are ultimately self-destructive. They hold you back from what you really want—a peaceful, balanced and abundantly healthy mind and body.

Learning to Relax

So what can you do? Next time you notice yourself feeling like the sky is about to fall, quickly and effectively bring your thoughts into positive alignment with one of the following simple techniques:

* Deep breathing. When you become stressed, take a moment and pay close attention to your breathing. Shallow breathing leads to greater stress and more negative physical responses. So breathe deeply instead. Let your stomach expand and contract as you breathe in and out.

This is called diaphragmatic breathing. Count the seconds as you breathe in—one, two, three, four. Hold for another four seconds. Then exhale slowly, for eight whole seconds. Keep doing this until you relax.

* Mental imagery. If you observe your thoughts during stressful situations, you may be surprised by how negative they are. These thoughts create a kind of feedback loop that only reinforces your negative emotions and causes you to feel even more stressed. One way to break this pattern of negative thinking is with positive mental imagery.

Visualize the calmest, happiest and most comfortable setting you can imagine, and mentally place yourself right into the middle of it. It might be a warm sunny beach with a calm breeze, or a peaceful afternoon in your coziest chair. Whatever it is, picture it as vividly as you can.

Make it real. Involve all your senses—what do you see, smell, taste, hear, feel? Smile inside, and become involved in the scene as it unfolds.

* Muscle relaxation. It might sound counterintuitive, but to relax, sometimes you have to tense up! But only for a moment—tense and relax different parts of your body beginning and the top of your head and continuing down. Include your eyes, neck, jaw, shoulders, legs, feet and any other part of your body that feels tight. Tense up, then let go, and feel the tension flow out of you as you relax.

* Biofeedback. With biofeedback, you learn to control your mood through careful attention to your mental and physical state. The training is simple and inexpensive and can even be done at home using easy-to-use feedback equipment. If you want to, you can also schedule an appointment with a trained biofeedback practitioner who will walk you through techniques used to reduce and eliminate the negative effects of stress on the body.

The great thing about these techniques is that with practice they become almost effortless and so easy that you can use them in anywhere. When things get crazy and your life is most stressful, you might not be able to find a comfortable, quiet place to unwind, but you can still use these relaxation techniques to manage your emotions and reclaim control of your mental state.

Making this kind of real positive change is never easy, but it can save your life. Your health depends directly on how you manage your stress. So take a deep breath, and start helping yourself let it go.